I am my mother's daughter - Loud and Proud...

I love my Mom for never telling me I was "too". I was never too quiet or too loud. Never too dressed up or dressed down. Never too serious or too silly. She of course guided me as to what was appropriate to a given occasion, but overall, she let me be me. And I grew up to be a women who was not afraid to ask for what I want, speak my mind, love and be loved, or generally mold my life into what I feel I need. I am a powerful woman, and I am a reflection of my powerful Momma.

Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful Mother.

Turkey Day happiness...

Here in Seattle, we are having a white Thanksgiving. I don't remember one since I was a wee little girl, so it is magical. It will turn to rain soon, and get slushy and yuck, but hubby and I are enjoying the winter wonderland immensely for now.

I have begun cooking, and the house is already filling with delicious smells. Honestly, we really began yesterday morning when I cooked up the brining liquid, filled our cooler with salt/suger/stock/allspice berries and plopped our 20lb bird in to float around for 18 hours in said cooler set up on the snowy back deck.  About five years ago we started brining our bird in a simple water/salt/sugar blend, and two years ago we began to bypass stuffing our bird and instead using aromatics as recommended by our beloved Alton Brown--we will never ever make a turkey any differently ever again, and it even informed how we bake whole chickens throughout the year.  In a word: YUM! This year we're going whole hog and using Alton's full recipe from brine to finish, and I am completely confident it will be the best bird yet! I am searing the skin now, will tent it and cook until our family arrives this afternoon. Chris' sister and her husband, and Bapa will be joining us this year.

It's a bittersweet holiday this season, not having Pat here. I find myself trying not to cry now and again, so I cannot even imagine what is in Chris and Steph's hearts as they face the first holiday without their beautiful mother.  It makes me reflect on my family, on how little I get to see them, how much I miss my father and my grandmother... but it also makes me feel even closer to my new family I married into. Getting to spend time with them has become such a joy for me as I have gotten to know them better in recent years, and we are even closer now after what we have gone through this summer.

To sum it up, this Thanksgiving, they are my greatest blessing. I am so thankful for my family, and how warm they are in my heart this season in particular.  I am thankful for their kindness, their humor, their generosity, and their love.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. May yours be as sweet and full of love as mine is today.

And so it continues...

It's pretty nonstop here at the Moore household. Last week I got word that my eldest brother, Ken, was in the ICU with severe pancreatitis brought on by a gall stone that had become lodged in his system, blocking his liver function. His digestive system basically shut down, and he was unable to eat anything, subsisting on IV saline alone for about 4 days. My sister was down there helping care for him that week, and the day after she left, I flew down to take over. He was home, but not very mobile, so I was doing laundry, cooking meals, and generally keeping him company. By the time I left 5 days later, he seemed to be doing much better, but was still in a fair amount of pain, distended belly, and various portions of his endocrine system were still swollen and not working at capacity. The day after I got home, he was back at the doctor getting more tests and x-rays, and potentially re-entering the hospital. I have not heard from him since his x-rays yesterday and am keeping my fingers crossed.

More lighthearted bits and bobs after the jump, I promise.

Catching up a little...

Obviously, I have been in hibernation mode lately. I am sorry, dear readers, for being absent. I honestly had no idea how many readers, and how far flung my readership was, until I got that little widget guy on the left there. Wow! Thanks to all you anonymous readers who have been visiting and hanging in with me while my blog has been latent.

Catching up a little after the cut...

Neruda...

Mom Moore has always loved Neruda, and instilled a love of it in her son, who found the sonnet below today. He hopes to include it in her memorial somehow, and I think it is simply perfect.

Rest in the care of Your Father's arms, Mom. We love you so dearly. Thank you for the inspiring example of selfless love and giving you demonstrated in every aspect of your life in the time I have known you. You gave more of yourself in your time on earth than many could muster in three lifetimes. You were truly a gift in this life, and will surely continue to be so in the life you now go to. Thank you for raising such an amazing son, who has become my best friend and true partner in life. Your unconditional love lives on in his sweet heart, and I feel so honored to be a part of your family.

"When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
To pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.


I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep,
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walked on.


I want what I love to continue to live,
And you whom I love and sang above everything else
To continue to flourish, full flowered:


So that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
So that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
So that everything can learn the reason for my song!"

Sonnet 89
Pablo Neruda

The longest day of the year...

Today is supposed to be the longest day of the year. But I think yesterday was bucking for first place. Stephanie called early in the morning and told us to come over right away. We didn't get that message for three hours. Pat had woken up and was not responsive. Just staring. She refused food and water and pain meds all day long. She was still responding one-word answers to some things, and even put together short sentences in the morning, but by afternoon and evening wasn't speaking much at all.

Today she is aware/alert, but not saying anything. She is allowing water to keep her mouth wet, but still refusing to eat or drink. She can't really swallow anything right now anyway... Stephanie, Nathan, and Gina have been nonstop in their caring for her, even sleeping on the floor in her room last night to make sure she had someone nearby whenever she needed them.

Pat is surrounded by a lot of love right now. Friends and family coming by all day long, dropping off flowers and food and cards. We sat with her all day and night. We are back today by her bedside, trying to keep her comfortable, and saying the things we need to say.

It's understandably somber and quiet here. There isn't much to be done, so it's just *being here* that we can offer. And that is what we are doing...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by blessed day.

Friday, there you are...

It's Friday, and I am not sure where the week went. Time is flowing strangely right now. Some days fly by, and some hours seem to drag on forever. The sunshine is most welcome today. Started cleaning up the area where Chris' "outdoor kitchen" will live. Piles of leaves from past seasons, branches from the recent hedge-hacking, a bag of god-knows-what, trash, old cardboard...how did this all GET here?! UGH! Already it looks pretty good, but a long way to go yet. I have to pull up all the old cement pavers, pull up the rotten plastic the original owner put down, cut out all the shooters from the lilac bushes, re-level, then a new weed barrier, sand, and new pavers. Whew! Hoepfully I will get some more work done on that this weekend, if the weather holds.

Went for my visit with Mom Moore today. She says she was feeling a bit better today still. Every day she feels a little better. But she still can't get around well at all, sit up or lay down on her own, that sort of thing. The drugs really do a number on her, but she is talking more and even laughing a bit. I hope she is feeling significantly better by the time her birthday rolls around, on July 5th.

Today...and tomorrow and so on...

Today began as an adventure in entrelac knitting (see example to right, NOT my work, but a fine example). I have long wanted to try this technique, and since I wanted a little break from my lace shawl I am working on, it seemed a good time to take on some new techniques for kicks. Not only is this a chance to try the new effect, but it also gave me an excuse to try to learn reverse knitting. That is, learning to purl from the right side, eliminating the need to turn your work as frequently on a project such as this one which would require it constantly. So far so good, pics coming of my own work soon.

This afternoon was my first afternoon getting to take care of Pat, my Mother In Law. Chris' boss has graciously allowed him to take some personal time as needed to care for his Mom, so today he got to come with me while I started to learn some of the routines for Pat's comfort. My heart is breaking for everyone in Chris' family right now, and the prospect of volunteering for this heavy task was freaking me out, but I am truly honored to be trusted to be a part of the care of this amazing woman. As I told Pat today, my father didn't ask for help when he needed it most, so I didn't have a choice in caring for him in any way. In this I have a choice, and while it is hard on everyone to figure out the ins and outs (of course MOST of all Pat herself!!), it is a circle of trust and love and caring I am blessed to be a part of. I am thankful for being asked.

I'm not fine...but I will be!

My friend Arya has a wonderful blog that I pop over to read now and again. Today, I caught up on a past post where she mused about the word "fine". What struck me was this portion of it:

"Fred: "Oh, hello, Alma. I haven't seen you in so long. How are you?"

Alma: "Hi Fred. I'm fine. How 'bout yourself?"

**********************************

Does the above greeting sound familiar? Have you been Fred or Alma - either on the receiving or giving end of a "fine"?
...
The truly sad thing about the overused "fine" is that it is usually a lie. A flat-out lie (just read the links above to read various definitions). Usually, everything about the person saying they're fine tells us otherwise. Alma looks disheveled. Her skin is waxy and her eyes have dark rings. She seems to sag, as if drained. And yet, when asked by a friend how she's doing, she tells him "fine". She could simply say, "Oh, Fred. I'm having a tough time right now. I appreciate you asking how I'm doing, but I don't feel like talking about it." She could be honest without going into details, "I'm not well, but I'll be okay." Somehow we, as a culture, have all become "fine" even when we're not."

My thoughts after the jump...

The Perfect Storm: Two Big Things, One Long Week

My online family has been concerned over my recent spate of obviously bereft emotional postings on Facebook, and I haven't been able to share too much. I am sorry to have to have been so cryptic and distant, but it's all news that needed the right time to be shared. Beyond the cut is more than you might even want to dive into, but if you're interested in what's been up in my world (and I assume that is why you are all here), here's the scoop, in three parts:

BIG THING #1 - "FUCK CANCER!"
BIG THING #2: A FAREWELL FROM INFUSION TRIBAL
WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS